F. Wayne

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,

In high school I had this friend. She was more of a satellite friend than anything until the fall of senior year. You see, she and I had another class together (I think it was English). For this class we had to do these group projects. As fate would have it she and I were paired up.  It was quickly decided (by her) that we would work at her house on the coming Saturday. I wasn't too psyched for it, but when Saturday came around I went to her house and my word I am happy I did. I got to the house and rang the doorbell and her mom answered. I mean, my friend was pretty cute, but her mom had got it goin’ on. My jaw dropped a little bit and my heart fell madly in love. After that Saturday, Stacy (my friend) and I became very good friends.  We would hang out during school, but more importantly I would come over after school. Maybe we’d hang around by her pool. Whatever our plans were, I would always be sure to suggest that we go to her place just so that I could talk to her mom.

After the school year ended, Stacy's mom asked me if I wanted to make any extra money during the summer. She suggested that I mow her lawn. I was quick to agree. There was this one time in particular that I will always remember. While I was mowing the lawn, Stacy's mom came out with just a towel on. I could tell she liked me from the way she stared and the way she said "you missed a spot over there."  

Well unfortunately I left for Reed at the end of that summer which meant I also left Stacy's mom before anything could happen.  Last semester I decided to leave it as just a fond memory and move on, you know? But just the other day I got this text message from Stacy! It rekindled all of my emotion for her mom. I haven't responded because I didn't know what to say. Miss Lonelyheartz, she's all I want, and I've waited for so long... I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Stacy's mom.  What do I do? What do I say?

– F. Wayne


Dear Wayne,

I’m just gonna lead off with: this is super creepy.

Just had to get that out there.

You say you know it might be wrong that you’re in love with Stacy’s mom... have you ever stopped and thought about why it might be wrong? If you’re not sure what I mean, let me put in plain English. The part of your story that looks wrong to me is that you finagled your way into a friendship with a girl you hardly knew so that you could swim in her pool and ogle her mom. Oh wait, is that your whole story? Yes, I thought so. You may think that you’re not the little boy that you used to be, but from my perspective you’re acting simply childish.

First things first: even if Stacy’s mom is particularly young, she still has a daughter who’s your age. In her mind, you’re not all grown up. You are not her equal. In fact, from her perspective, all you are is Stacy’s friend – maybe Stacy’s friend who hangs around by the pool a lot and needs a summer job, but a friend of her daughter’s nonetheless.

And speaking of that summer job? Asking the your daughter’s friend to do some light housework in exchange for lemonade money does not scream “I’m into you” to me. “I’m into having a well-kempt yard,” maybe, but nothing more. You’d have to be pretty well steeped in teenage hormones (not to mention a culture that assumes that every woman’s body is there just for a man to stare at) to assume that she came out in a towel just for you. Maybe she glanced at the lawn on her way out of the shower.

If Stacy’s not the girl for you, that’s totally fine. I’m not going to make you go out on a date with her. But I’m certainly not going to encourage you to go over to her house again, either! This is just a fantasy, and Stacy’s mom couldn’t use a guy like you. You’re in a new city at a new school filled with beautiful, smart hipsters. I mean people. Why not talk to one of them?

Back from my business trip,

Miss Lonelyhearts