Dearest Miss Lonely Hearts,
I need your advice. You see, Honey came in and she caught me red-handed creeping with the girl next door. Picture this: we were both butt-naked, banging on the bathroom floor. How could I forget that I had given her an extra key? All this time she was standing there, she never took her eyes off me. But, Miss Lonely Hearts she caught me on the counter, she saw me kissin’ on the sofa. Oh Miss Lonely hearts, she saw the marks on my shoulder; heard the words that I told her. She even heard the scream get louder. Miss, she stayed until it was over. Now, I told her it wasn’t me. But she didn’t believe a word I told her.
I don’t know what to do. Miss Lonely Hearts, I am begging you on one knee, how do I get my Honey back?
—It Wasn’t Me