Scouring the internet (or, more likely, casually browsing your Facebook newsfeed), one occasionally stumbles across some documents of critical importance. These top secret missives, protected and monitored by the U.S. government, no doubt, divulge information hidden in plain sight. . .information that changes the way our entire society functions. When one guides the mouse over the link to “Chipotle Secret Menu, Check Out #4, It’s CRAZY,” inhales a nervous, shuddering breath, and presses a finger into the warm metal of the mouse pad, there is no telling what will be found. Quessarillodillas, burritochangas, double meat for half the price, glory to the Lord! Unlocking secrets such as these does more than give you all of the powers awarded to the guy with the ring in Lord of the Rings (never seen it, oops), it is a password that lets you into the Chipotle club. And if I know anything about secret clubs, it is that they are amazing. So, without any further ado, allow The Grail to let you into the secret club of Commons, our very own, on-campus Chipotle equivalent.*
*Commons is not a Chipotle equivalent, please John Kroger bring Chipotle to campus, #bureedobowls
Many have tried their hand at nudging the patient gentleman behind the grill to whip them up something off-menu. One man took this divine creation to the next level, incorporating basically every ingredient at his disposal. “I did make something freshman year,” said Aaron Ramcharan ’17, “that was fries with diced chicken fingers on top, covered with cheese, bacon, jalapeños and whatever other toppings there were.” Looking at this mouthwatering heaping plate of potato, vegetable, and meat is a day’s work in itself. Unfortunately, “they raised the price last year when [the dish] caught on with the new freshman,” said Ramcharan, who no longer indulges in that particular meal, and is unsure if it will still be prepared. He now has a newer, one might say even more exciting, go-to. “I've been getting something that. . .is more on the healthy side. You can order a grilled chicken breast and the five veggie toppings, jalapeños, tomatoes, spinach, mushroom, and onions, and then put that all in a bowl with the rice, beans, and broccoli, and it makes a solid, healthy meal that's available all the time because it's made of standard items.” If I were a person who was comfortable saying “hack,” I would definitely call that a Commons hack.
Everything in a Tortilla
Have you ever (this is rhetorical because you absolutely have) strolled into Commons around 6 PM, perused the menu board, and done the nightly walk-around, only to discover that none of the items available appealed to your sensitive palate? You may have stood, paralyzed, unsure of what to do next. What if you starved? How would you finish your Hum paper? Well, no need for that any longer, with the advent of the Commonsrito. This process begins by approaching the grill, and asking politely for a warm tortilla. While that baby is heating up, you speed walk around the room, hitting the salad bar, the DIY, maybe even the yakimoto if you’re feeling crazy. Fill up a bowl with some veggies, rice, beans, cheese, hot sauce, and whatever else strikes your fancy. Once you retrieve your tortilla and Commons George swipes your ID card, you sit down to the most difficult part of your meal. Spoon your ingredients into your tortilla, making sure not to overfill, roll it up as delicately and evenly as you can, and enjoy!
Just Douse it in Cheese
There are a few hours of the day when these recipes may prove even more useful than others. Those quiet, contemplative moments between 1:30 and 5:00, when you can complete the food circuit as many times as you like, and perhaps still come up dry. This may pose a problem if you, like me, can never remember to eat lunch until 3:00 PM. It is in these desperate times that I say: cover whatever you have in cheese. While this method may be better suited to some food options than others (perhaps the brown rice with cheese would prove tastier than the frozen yogurt), it is certainly worth your consideration. I recommend grabbing a bowl of pasta salad with a good portion of cheddar on top, heading for the microwave, a letting it run until bubbly. What you come away with doesn’t bear no resemblance to a plate of fettuccine alfredo from a Michelin-starred restaurant.